I recently spent an afternoon trimming my smoke bush. That brazen bush knows it’s a stunning plant; it flaunts its dusty purple finery against the cedar-coloured fence that showcases it so well. The fluffy pink plumes that burst from its flower buds during the season make it appear magical somehow, as if fairies should reside within its depths, peeking out and flitting about their fairy business.
The bush grows incredibly fast. What once was a four-foot shrub in the spring soars to a height of twelve feet by autumn. Time to get this tree under control and terrorize some fairies.
I gathered my tools and garden gloves, sized up the job and went at her. I snipped here. I snipped there. Soon I was surrounded by an enormous pile of branches. After finishing the bush’s new haircut and cleaning up the remnants, I was covered in sap.
I scrubbed myself from stem to stern with a bar of soap. No luck. I scoured off a layer of epidermis with a nylon scrubbie. Nada. I daubed the areas with nail polish remover until my skin was burning. Bupkus. I scratched at the sticky patches with my fingernails. Still there. Dang. This stuff was worse than glue! I gave up, figuring that time would wear away the sap.
Thereafter, I spent several amazing hours pressing my fingers together and then trying to separate them. I picked up several objects simply by pushing down on them, using my newfound superhero powers. My legs stuck to the furniture and whenever I stood up, I stretched out the skin on the back of my thighs.
Well, rather than be annoyed by this sticky situation, I thought, “There has to be an upside to this small inconvenience.” I pondered all the angles. Suddenly, I hit the proverbial jackpot!
Anyone out there reading this, who happens to work in forensics, and who also happens to be short-staffed at the moment and considering hiring a temp–look no further.
I am offering my services. I will attend upon your crime scenes and roll my afflicted limbs over the suspect area. I guarantee to produce hair and fiber evidence galore. I’m quite sure it’ll work splendidly.
My availability will run into late fall or so–I’m trimming the spruce tree next!
All photos inserted into this post are courtesy of Creative Commons free public photos.